My life is turning into a jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. Between assumptions and expectations; worries and certainty I am losing the way. Last couple of days, nagging issues were imposing there existence every where I go, suppressing my free thoughts to breath! I reached the peak when I couldn’t control things anymore; then steadily holding the problem seeking my relief.
So asking my mind with silence as a reply; couldn’t give me clues for how to reach the clues itself! Trembling for a while, that’s how I felt, with a deep anger. Hate it when I feel that lost. Hate it when I can’t figure out the signs along my sight. Hate it when I have to hate.
Knocking heart asking, yet I felt even worst! Thoughts are blurred with a fuzzy picture of a smile. Shadows of good times and laughter hanging along the road. I can’t work fine with such kind of problems. I remember half the picture and leave the rest; or neglect it *if I’d admit*.

Tell me; how to know what is wrong and what is right?! how to decide which way to choose if all ways are blocked?! And if I am drifting aimlessly taken by clashing waves; how could I find my way home?
I am just a human; I make mistakes; that’s true! Yet tell me how to stop my inner self torture.
And if I knew your answer; tell me: will I like it?!
I can’t handle a new hurt to pass by my life, I’ve seen a lot before. Different portraits for the same faces in my every nightmare.

I’ve lost before, I’ve lost and I’ve cried. I convinced myself I am too strong to face the world alone. Yet sometimes I discover I am not. If it weren’t for the pride I keep for myself, I would have stated clear the wonders truing my life upside down!
Expectedly, I feel weak in such a way I fight for a word to ease my mind. Expectedly I feel thirsty in such a way I seek dreams won’t come true.
Some cases can pass by time, but looks mine is left to stay un-resolved at least for the time being.

Heart, don't fail me now!
Courage, don't desert me!
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say
Life is full of choices
No one ever mentions fear!
One step at a time,
One hope, then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was
On to find my future,
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign!
Let this road be mine!
Courage see me through
Heart I'm trusting you
To bring me home...
At last! (#)

(#) From the cartoon movie “Anastasia” OST
Aaliyah - Journey to the Past

Read more...

Collecting stars

Read more...

Not Back Yet..

On my way back home I was thinking of something pretty interesting, merely “the emptiness of our lives”. *Exactly! Just thinking of the emptiness of life!*

OK, I enjoyed my time today, to start. We had a dish party for iftar with the organizing team members of the ACES conference in collage. That was grand! If you’d see the mountains of food and drink brought there!! And the cheers in people’s tone and smiles!! Even the 2 surprises I met:
1. to know the flyer, the poster and the brochure at last saw the light. And the work of a whole summer vacation is finally printed out and looks gorgeous as well :) *I know our committee deserves all the best ;) *
2. the thing that touched me but never crossed my mind before: to know that some people would know me that much! To find someone coming to you and saying: are you this and that.. then the 2nd to ask.. then the 3rd.. that made me think, who am I for people to care!
However, all in all it was going ALRIGHT! i.e. going fine.. going normal.. going average.. wasn’t superb but going just FINE.. *why are you shouting?!*

If I told you: it wasn’t up to my expectations it would be a lie, because I haven’t thought of it in the 1st place. They informed us there is an iftar together and I said: Hurray! Then I went. I didn’t think either what to bring with me, I didn’t think whom to meet or what to say! I haven’t prepared a speech or ironed my dress and obviously polished my shoe !!
Could be because of the piles of work I am left to do, so I had to block any exterior kind of thoughts or dreams temporarily *wonders for how long* and could be I blocked my thoughts and dreams intentionally and on purpose.

Sometimes you need to feel you don’t feel, or you’d think you can rest from thinking. And may be that was the reason.
How many times I promised myself of things, yet never came true and may be won’t? How many times I convinced myself I am going to have all the fun of the world yet can’t keep any for myself :) ?
Nop, I am not upset or angry again... for I already knew myself this way for long time and I don’t have the will to change.
-- WHY?! *are you asking?*
Even if you are not asking, let me tell you something.. I feel tired. I feel extremely exhausted and wish to have a deep sleep. That feeling has captured me since a time too far away too remember. Then after I wake up I discover that I did nothing after all!
That is the nothingness of life!

You’d walk then you’d run in a race, and wish upon a star to enjoy your time, then you’d discover all of a sudden it wasn’t but a mirage for an illusion you wish to dream of sometime.
OK, its your right to believe in a better future and a prosperous present. Its your right to believe the picture is not as gloomy as I am describing, because IT IS NOT.. but suddenly you’d discover it as some water slipping between your fingers and you’re watching. Or a scented smoke, then it is no where after all..

-- Did I write all that!
-- Looks like I did.

Read more...

Random bits and pieces..

Yesterday;
I had to visit my uncle, and returned very late at night. Its hard to see my uncle this way, mm.. your heart will grief his whole situation. However, the only one thing I never imaged is the changes I saw in my cousin’s attitude. Somehow he turned into a religious person I never knew before *masha2 ALLAH* .. suddenly he gave up his nasty routine and turned to face God with grief of what he did all his life, fear of what to become of him in the future and a hope to have God’s help and mercy to move on forward. You can’t imagine this serenity I can feel from his tone of voice.. just like miracles really do come true and not just for Ramadan..

Returned back home, to be told by a friend that he un-expectedly discovered my blog, in one of these weirdest coincidences you might think of. With little talks about our latest he told me: last time we talked you were confused, now I touched some changes in you. I got that through your words on the blog..!

Totally exhausted, hardly could I close my eyes to sleep.. so long I’ve hadn’t had this intimate sit with myself.. just me, myself and I.. so long I miss talking to myself, but things are always in rush..
Sometimes you feel yourself stuck in a life jam.. you are looking around to find you are surrounded with hundreds of other-selves standing around you in random separated lines and curves, however, you feel you are alone in a wide desert watching sun setting on you, half sleepy half awake.. believe you understand what is going on, while in fact you are the most ignorant creature you might ever meet in your short life!

Sadly, I couldn’t enjoy the moment of self talking.. I closed my eyes…

Today;
Wake up still feeling exhausted.. but I had to get dressed and catch the 1st session in our new training about Human resources management.
How so ironical! Didn’t I tell you: we know nothing about ourselves thought we pretend we do ?!
I am taking off my stuff and things heading for a place to try to understand myself!
As if myself is a total stranger than whom I am and so I need a hand to dig deeper and discover treasures, I might die and still they’d be kept hidden unknown.. un-realized.. un-used..
God!

The trainer said few outlines as an intro for our next session and the strategy we are going to walk by. I like the material going to be discussed *in sha2 ALLAH* mind mapping, NLP, analyzing characteristic traits.. he even did a simple experiment on one of the other members.. it was a shock for some of us!

Strangely, I felt I can understand this man.. he said he has strong telepathy.. but I say no.. he has strong sense of observation and prediction to the other response due his many experience. Yet, something inside me insets to refuse fully truth that person.

As soon as he finished, I ran out of the building. Somehow I don’t like standing with the folk. I like them .. some even I like alot.. however I felt I need to breath fresh air for a while.. so hard to feel suffocating in every place you go.. so hard to find the comfort with anything away from people’s existence in your horizon.
NOP, its not complex, I reckon.. and its not missing my confidence either.

I’ve been asked more than once.. “why do U like hiding away?”
And still and for always I find no answers available.. so without any bye byes I left..

Luckily, As I reached the station I found the CTA standing for me *please stop the envy green eyes :P :P*
On my way back I was thinking of my coming days.. how could I ever benefit my life?!
How to be productive wither for my own self or my nation or religion?!
I’ve tapped different routs in life. Not so many, but quite enough for a 20 years old girl. I imagined I saw myself at the end of some, and imagined I got astray in the rest.. yet after one wake up and one eyes closed.. I get lost between both.
Am I as good as I think?! Am I as talented as others repeat?! Or am I as simple as I am living?! And till where will I reach with my daily changes?!
And why don’t I find answers to the questions I have in mind?! Is it that difficult to watch a light hinting at the right way, or should I just walk in others’ shadows footsteps?!

Being effective is a difficult process to take, and even the more difficult is deciding which way you want to be effective and recognized in!!
Will I ever find mine?!

As I retuned to open the front door of my home, I couldn’t help but sleeping.. it wasn’t actually a sleep, but rather a nap or a state between being wide awake and asleep.. a state you got mixed up between reality and virtual hallucinations. I could see myself walking somewhere, and I could feel my feet paralyzed standing still, fixed to the ground.. I could hear my loud yelling and could feel how mute I turned out to be..

Am I sad or desperate or feeling low today?!
Actually no, I don’t think I was any of the above.. in fact I was happy.. happy again and for no proper reason. The same sort of happiness I feel each time I know I am going to go through an expedition to the unknown. And so I was happy, even till this moment when I am writing this few lines and listening to some few light melodies from my new age music collection, I still feel happy and relaxed though!
Could be I’d finish up my work today to wake up tomorrow as gloomy as I usually feel, and could be I’d wake up tomorrow still as happy as I am feeling now.

Going there is a true adventure I like doing from time to time. And even running away is yet another adventure I like living. Convincing myself that some how some might be asking .. :)

It was like watching my very own life raft floating away towards the open sea. And yet somewhere in mind's eye I thought I could see the faintest outline of land. Then it came to me that maybe that's the only thing life rafts are supposed to do. Taking the shipwrecked, not exactly to the land, but only in view of the land. The final mile being theirs alone to swim.

~*~ Anon

I find the great thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving: To reach the port of heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it, but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor.

~*~ Oliver Wendell Holmes

Read more...

Quoting Me..

When you all of a sudden feel you want to keep scilent..
you HAVE to keep scilent..

When you all of a sudden feel you want to say you are sorry..
You OUGHT to say you're sorry..

But when you all of a sudden feel you want to say you are happy..
I wonder why your heart keeps beating fast >>>


PS: I have the 1st choice now in mind :S

Read more...

Talking about 1st day in Ramadan isn’t an easy task. For the flood of feelings you have can keep you silent for a whole year, till the next 1st day of Ramadan !And due that exact feeling and the sudden awareness of piling up things to do wither in collage or in normal life, in addition to my terrible flu.. I guess I’d be keeping low profile in the blogging arena for a while.

Till my next real come back… keep your faith growing, keep the smile flourishing your faces and keep peace all around the place..
May Allah bless you all, and grand you his mercy and forgiveness.
And may you reach a place you’ve never dreamt of before.

Read more...

I already dared to...

After a day like today, keeping silent would be better..
thanks, you already cheered me up.. Though i bet, you'll never know!

Read more...

Autumn

Today is the 1st day in Autumn, my favorite season.

Let me enjoy the chilling out breeeeze....

Read more...

Top of the world..

Such a feelin's coming over me
There is wonder in most ev'ry thing I see,
Not a cloud in the sky got the sun in my eyes,
And I -- won't be surprised if it's a dream.

Ev'rything I want the world to be,
Is now coming true especially for me,
And the reason is clear - It's because you are here,
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on the -- top of the world lookin'
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found, ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world

Something in the wind has learned my name,
and it's tellin' me that things are not the same,
In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze,
there's a pleasin' sense of happiness for me.

There is only one wish on my mind,
When this day is through I hope that I will find,
That tomorrow will be just the same for you and me,
All I need -- will be mine if you are here.

I'm on the -- top of the world lookin'
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found, ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world

I'm on the -- top of the world lookin'
down on creation and the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found, ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world



Top of the world -- The Carpenters 

Read more...

Hushshshsh!

I was wondering between TV stations when suddenly I saw a face I know by heart. I lingered a while and remembered “it’s the movie ‘Anna and the king’”
I’ve always held myself back from watching this particular movie for personal reasons.
However, I couldn’t resist the angelic look on “Jodie Foster” ‘s face.. so I sat to watch.

Tell you what, I didn’t regret not watching that before.. for its not as magnificent as “The king and I” .. Tell me who can compare “Yul Brynner”..???
OHHHH! “etcetera, etcetera..”
the only one good thing was Jodie, and nothing more..

***

I couldn’t forget the passion in your eyes when u told me you want to see that movie..
But you went so fast..
May God rest your soul in peace..

***

as I was writing this, I had the news that the grandpa of one of our colleagues and a dear brother of mine passed away.
Then everything went Hushshshshsh!
May God rest his soul in peace as well

Read more...

Scattered

Yesterday..

I went with my mother for shopping since a very long time. I had fun really, though I am not a shopping-fan. I just hate it especially if its cloth shopping. Thank God it was just to the near by groceries.. But I enjoyed my time with her exchanging some wicked giggles gossiping about my brother and father :) Ain’t those moments so cherished, I wonder why don’t I seek living them for real!

*****

Today..

I was surprised to hear about the new movie “Phantom of the opera”. I know I am always out of date when it comes to cinema or movies, but this one stroked me.
When I 1st heard the musical play starting Sarah Brightman, I truly fell in love with her voice and the style.
Now I got a movie I am passionately looking forward to see.

***

I was in another meeting in collage with my publications committee members.
Tell you days do have great effect on melting the ice between people. Who would say we’d turn out to be such cool buddies, enjoying our time together to the utmost!
So far I am so happy, content and satisfied to meet such people in my life..
I sincerely like their presence along my road of life..
I love you guys.. all of you..
May God bless you for me :)

*****

Right now..

I am listening to a musical master piece called “sometimes… someone” by the great composer I just told you about “Yiruma”. And with each note played on the piano I feel as if my heart is as light as a feather.. I have this feeling of the belief I-am-ready-to-fly sneaking back to me.

I spent nearly 4 minuets –the duration of that piece- just writing the above two lines. Then I replayed, relaxed and closed my eyes..
I saw me flying in space.. jumping between the stars and dancing a lost ray of sunlight..
Some creepy feelings are getting into my heart lately yet I can’t define what is going on. I’m not armed enough to face the next battle alone.. and I don’t have the courage to withdraw.. I believe its my longing to get inside and take the risk.
It might result in a broken heart.. a lost soul or sad memories. And it might result in a dance with a morning twilight.

******

Read more...