Each day passes, fear captures me even more. And the one thing I become more certain of is that:
Only beauty.. dies fast..
And there you'll learn never to trust happiness, and never to wish upon a star..

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Dust to dust..

These weeks I’m passing by the hardest experiences; my 1st times too. I feel quite embarrassed doing what I do, and feels a bit more like being awkward. Like, imagine a girl living in a nutshell, yet next morning she was thrown to live life for real, forced to walk in the streets, work on her own, deal with people. I reckon, she’d feel like people are gazing at her while its normal and may none recognize her in the 1st place, but she’s simply not used to it.

Well, you might not understand. And the fault is all mine. I don’t know how to elaborate. I don’t know how to tell exactly what I’m feeling now. Confused. Out of mind sometimes. Yesterday I needed to disappear after what I told mum in front of Bava and mai. I mean, no I didn’t offend anybody, yet the fact that out of nothing I said exactly what I feel and trying to hide. In fact, trying to make myself believe while I don’t know that I don’t. But your heart sometimes takes chances to speak on your behave without a prior notice. Bava looked more considerate than me. Ok, I admit it. I’m not good at dealing with the other. We are humans, but its not all what makes our identity. Tell me what is our identity? How can I separate you as a human than you as being a male or female, nationality, religion, living status, education, even your preceding reputation? It’s all about you and me. We, all of us, are not merely abstracts hiding behind a vague 2 words called “human beings”, and not simply a soul, flesh and blood. But a combination of all the previous together making what really makes you you, and me me.

I didn’t understand it before, and can’t even now. How can 2 people confront each other claiming each is on the right side, and none gives a damn care to think for a second why the 2nd can’t be right too? And why can’t I understand that fact too, how can I write here preaching while I am too proud to believe the other might be right too!!
The feeling itself is suffocating even if I know before hand all the above with the tiny details.
And what made me even belittle me in front of me that other day, the look I saw in Bava’s eyes. How can I speak bluntly that way?!
There are always things that should be buried unspoken. They might not hurt anybody, but would show a part of your identity that may be others might not get it right, because you didn’t put it right, or your heart spoke too open, or the thought is not readily acceptable amongst the rest.

Why do we live behind closed doors all the route, though the route itself holds enough surprises the doors can’t help in?…

I might be exaggerating if you knew the whole thing. And yeah true.. but the idea itself that triggered me to talk this way. I’m in bad need to talk with someone who’d understand me when I tell that I’m not an angle, but I don’t want to turn into a devil. I can’t be the other, but I need to have more .. hmm.. I don’t know.. but have more consideration.. or no.. let me put it right this way.. to have better ability to act normally and really mean it.

Hatred always burns the one who have it..
Though its not hatred now.. but God please.. I wish not to turn so someday..

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Quite disappointing..

CIMG2491
Originally uploaded by lastoadri.

There isn’t anything more worst than standing long waiting for your bus.
Then after you take it, you discover you’ve taken the wrong one..

Thus I say..

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Dazzled!

CIMG2193
Originally uploaded by lastoadri.

Walking thru the photos right now and feeling pity. I'm greedy. There were lots and lots of beautiful things I could have shot; but totally forgot. And how can't I forget?
Now I wonder where I was the last couple of days, really in Luxor and Aswan, or place from heaven on earth?!

No, I don't have an answer.

And if you asked me what was I feeling all through the cruise I'll tell you.. fear "rahba" and "entma2".

I've met my ancestors before at the pyramids and the Egyptian museum. Each time got a different flavor, yet this time, and this time alone, I was proud Egyptian as if its my 1st time to know what's the meaning of the word. And why not. Yes.. it was my 1st time to taste it..
This heritage I was walking through, is the ruins of my great grand fathers. And who knows who stepped in here before me too..
All the tombs were robbed, only the Tut Ankh Amon's tomb was discovered complete (can you imagine the wealth?). Almost all the oblisques and treasured monuments were sent to different cities of the world, and us were left with the ruins (can you imagine the tragedy?). The temple of the karnak, the Nile at sun set, the beauty of God's hand make everywhere, the weather, the people.. Aswan people got the best smile one can meet.

What to add?!

I don't want to look the dreamy person, but yes, it was a dream. 5 days passed like a dream flashed in a sky like a comet then disappeared in Cairo's dim and trains whistles.
I fell in love with Luxor & Aswan..
See, I visited the temple of karnak twice per day for the 1st day, and the 2 times I felt it different. Standing so strong with dignity up to the sky!
The temple of Luxor at night with the lights lit every where leave no space for words to describe a thing.
The beauty in Temple Fiala. The beauty of man's work & ALLAH's creation *full stop*.
The Nile with the felucca for the Nubian village. Hour and half going and another returning in the best spot of the entire Nile (yeah the place near Agha khan palace).

1st timer..

1st time to travel all alone, only with friends. 1st time to visit there. 1st time to take a cruise. 1st time to draw "hena" on my hands. 1st time to feel that "3azama".

May be other time I'd tell the story in details. Yet at the gate of Karnak, where the stories start and end at the same moment. When time loses its meaning, and magic surrounds your sight.
Words elope.
You'd gaze at the cravings on the walls and know right away.. people may go astray or facts twisted.. But there, the essence of real civilization remains.


PS: You can always see the rest of my photos here though I still got even more about to upload isA..

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Old Cairo

I went yesterday to my best friend's "Bava" house for the analog project, to find her making this little surprise on the music "Gabriel's Oboe" I mentioned earlier in a previous post, with some "old Cairo" photos she got online. She knows how much I LOVE Cairo :)

So to her I send my deepest thanks, begad.. I feel great full knowing a person like her...

And YOU, whoever YOU are.. Enjoy her Old Cairo little clip :) and tell me what you think...

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ASIC effect!

ASIC effect, originally uploaded by lastoadri.

PS: ASIC : Application-specific integrated circuit

(she2 mesh latef 3l se7a!)

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If only...

Stumbled my way today
art.com

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A year passed and a thought change..

Aha, now I know why do I like "Love story".

The broadband connection was cut in the morning, and apart from being pissed off, I thought of doing something useful. And since I just finished my 4th exam yesterday, so didn't wish to do something very very useful; that's why, I switched on "love story" for un-reasonable reasons.

Exactly a year ago, I wrote my history with that particular movie, how I got to know plus few blubbers on the very famous quotation "Love means you haven't to say you are sorry" blahlalala
Right now, I think it's stupid! Sorry folks, but yes it is very stupid. The whole story behind the movie is stupid. I mean, it's nice to have such feeling da da da, but don't you think they were dashingly over reacting? Even if we assumed they are not, and love really means you don't have to say you are sorry or love in that sense actually exists, still the story -for me- sounds silly and stupid. (only the dyeing matter can be left alone.. that was touching)

However, I did really enjoy watching the movie, especially the 2nd half. Apart from the extraordinary background music, but you know Oliver Barrett reminds me of my very own self.

"Quite a wealthy son who's not on good terms with his father and can afford to go through the entire possible struggle just to get rid of his father's orders."

Just as simple at that..

The movie ended at lunch time, and since I got no guts to sit down at the table and share lunch with anybody (yup, turned off the yesterday's mood), I preferred to rather write such words, then wonder when I'd have the chance to post. And there after, I fetched another movie on the waiting list to watch.. a total different flavor this time "The omen"

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Simply, a hit..

John Lennon -- Imagine

Imagine there is no heaven
It's easy if you try
No Hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there is no country
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say I am a dreamer
But I am not the only one
I hope some day you join us
And the world will be one

Imagine no possession
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man

Imagine all the people sharing all the world
You may say I am a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope some day you join us
And the world will live as one

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Feliz Cumpleanos..

I remember when my friend Mr. DXer used to say "I'm 35 but 18 at heart", and I used to reply back "I'm 18, but 62 at heart". The 62 was just a joke back then, yet grown to live with me.
Today, I hit my 22. Only 40 steps left for the 62, am I ready?! Aslan will I ever reach my 62?!

UH! Come on! 40 years left?!
Will I ever live 40 more years in here?!
No way..

Last November, I wrote something, and was intending to post it at my birthday. Spontaneous talk doesn't always fit in all situations. Especially that I wished to send my words, as it happens every year to Osama, in his radio program "Late night cartoon". But right now, I don't have any intentions to email him a single letter or publish my pre- written words. Plus I absolutly have nothing in mind to talk about, in the 1st place..

21 years, what will I miss?
Hmm, not much. I don't imagine a dramatic change in the next year. Except for, the people surrounding me. This year isA I will graduate, no longer a student in school or college. Don't know about post graduate studies yet. May be yes, may be no. I got a good job offer recently by the way, so may be I'd give the interview a try then decide later on. May be I get married, and may be not. May be I'll travel or migrate, and may be not.
But in all cases, the people I have around now will always be missed.

+1, what to wish for?
I nearly got nothing to wish for; actually I am not waiting for anything. No one buys me presents since many years, my parents normally forget I have a birthday and frankly not even waiting for a cake! But Excuse me, I have one thing in mind that never changed all through my previous years.
Tell me, How many times you regretted not telling someone, something, a little something, before s/he goes away? And how many times you wondered, (at least, I wondered) who'll feel sad for me going away? Who loves me true and who not? Who regards me as an ultimate necessarily precious gift in his/her life, and who doesn't really care?!
So, what if I die tomorrow, that can be true, very true, who'll be that someone and what's the something?

+1 min, ready? Steady..?!.. what will I go for?!
Let alone, I have to behave and go study.. my exam is in 2 days!
Ya, I know, I'm not the resolutions type of girls. But tell you, I'll go for making memories. Lots of memories. Lots and lots of them. Everywhere I go, every person I chit-chat, exchang a smile, share an opinion with. I don't know how to start. But every little moment passing me by, I wish to keep it safe till I am old and gray. When its another cold winter night like tonight, 11st of January some year ahead, sitting around the heater with my grannys around, using my faint weary voice telling them stories, my stories. And a sudden big wide smile covers my face, for me remembering the days :)


Happy Birthday Dear Blue.. And May You Always Remain the Blue, The One And Only Blue You Wish For You..


PS: The above photo is mine. I took the shot on the 9th of January, using the Pastel filter in the camera's options. Then the framing and signature "On My Own..." by photoshop CS2.

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To that someone..

I began to grow weary...
You have something, then you are fed up with it. You leave something, then you miss it. You decide something, then you regret it.
And in the middle you choose to wait all together. Mostly, you choose it the hard way out. Torturing oneself on purpose, trying to convince yourself everything is so beautiful, waiting for your magical brush, to color it your own way. You try to believe in fairy tales, and think peace might prevail. You tell yourself, "Probably it's not green on the other side, its greener yet. And Tomorrow is but a new day, and the best is yet to come."
You sip hope with your every tea cup, and wait for that someone who'd tell you s/he understood it all, and got what you really meant..

"Dare to dream," you repeat it in your morning while gazing at your mirror but you always forget to whisper "dare to live". Or may be, you didn't really forget..

I was never confused about a thing, as much as I am with life, and its abstracts you pass by on daily bases. No, with every living step!
Life, living, death, happiness, sadness, friendship, love, betrayal, knowledge, universe, us, being, freedom, illusive limits, destiny.. and the list is still too long. Tell me what are these, and what is life? Is it a breath we breathe then its gone?
Yet Tell me 1st, why to ask "why to live?"..

We are born sometime ago, walk into the same route others used for long. Then you find, alas, the big yellowish, gray sign "the end". Sometimes you dream of another, a whole new road, never been tapped by a previous being, to mark a discovery, or prove infinity. However, the commen funny thing in those stories, the sign is the very same, fate that is. May be at times you didn't expect, and may be long after you've visualized the moment hundred times ahead.

True and cruel life is sometimes. Especially when you find those people, dear people, you can't lie in front. You tell them, "I am ok", and they believe you not. They give you the bitter truth on a golden plat, demanding you to accept.
I am one of those who wishes to be lied at. Lie to me, when you know its going to hurt. Lie to me when you know I won't feel ok afterwards. Lie to me and let me really believe tomorrow is a new day, and the best is yet to come. Add me sugar, lots of sugar to my morning coffee, let me dare to dream for real and dare to live. Let me believe faries will choose me out of the billions living to do me magic, and that tomorrow I'll watch my reflections smiling over the ocean, dancing my tango dance though.. Though, I've never met the ocean, or learnt a single move or step.

Me, beautiful. Me loves me. Me proud of me. Me .. Me hates me sometimes. Sometimes and sometimes a lot.

"Don't worry," I tell you and myself. The storm will soon go calm, the windmills' rage will quit, and lights will all go quitly dim. A moment of scilent will seperate me and the next moment when I'd find me left again with those stupid questions in my head.
"why all that?" and a big *full stop*..


"Sonnet of the woods" by "Yuhki Kuramoto", really tells..


PS: The above image is originally not mine. However, I signed with "On My Own..." for the framing and special effects on photoshop CS2.

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