Windmills of MY mind...

I had talk to blubber again, but as I sat on my PC, I found me changing the music to this song by "Jose Feliciano".. Somehow I feel, I have these windmills in my mind at the moment.. and yet, i have no clue.. .. wish YOU enjoy the music, the words and the enchanting voice of Feliciano..

round
Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning
Running rings around the moon
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of its own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half-forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream
Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes of its face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space

Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle in your head
Why did summer go so quickly?
Was it something that you said?
Lovers walk along a shore
And leave their footprints in the sand
Is the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand?
Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of a song
Half-remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong?
When you knew that it was over
You were suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the colour of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning
On an ever-spinning reel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

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feeling liking it today :) .. *Enjoy*

Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
Trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
Trying to forget my feelings of love.
Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never met you, girl;
You'll never come again.

Feelings, feelings
Like I've never lost you
And feelings like I've never
Have you again in my heart.
Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.


Feelings...

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Blubbering out

Sometimes I think who to choose, someone who cares for you too much but you care for a little; or someone who cares a little but you care for too much?!
What a misery, sometimes I feel..

The day before today was super cool *the assessment center*, I made neat new friends from collage.. *actually I am making new friends these days like I never did before :S .. masha2 ALLAH* . Today as well was nice. I dropped a lecture to watch the conference’s audition, and though I didn’t catch it still *they were very late*, but I enjoyed my time having some good laughs with wonderful people. A pity they’ll graduate next year, may God bless them. :)

I was OK, most of the time, though visited by the above thought from time to time so I’d be absent minded sailing to far far away land. Could be the never land, and could be the place I’ve made to resort whenever I feel I want to leave the crowds.

However, nice time always flies, except for 3 things that really made me feel un-comfortable. I need to feel more confident. I need to believe I can make it myself, I am good –if not best-.. umm, why do I feel I’D never be the one!

It was a horrible feeling that I might lose something I posses because I am lower than someone else, while actually I know I am not, at least in other points!
Do I make any sense?!
Suddenly the lights went dim!
My feeling of possession! One big black dot I have.. and though I do not show, but I know deep down how hurted I feel when someone shares something so.. SO dear to my heart.. even if it’s a smile I reckon its mine.. even if it’s a laugh I know I was addressed with… even if, even if it was a hello I was waiting for day long :) ..

As if my misery is between 2 options, what I want and what I can get.. what I like and what I might like.. and the quest goes so on, so forth..

The 2^nd thing was when this stupid person started to make fun of me. Actually he wasn’t making fun of me, but was trying to be funny in a stupid way that pissed me off! None the less, the 3^rd thing was when I remembered.. “ah well, I got my mid-term exam tomorrow so I’d better leave the place and runnnn to continue my studies”
*no need to mention, I have to run now as well :S *

Tomorrow is the opening of the conference AT LAST! And all the memories I had through out the previous 7 month or so suddenly flashing in front of my eyes. Our 1^st meeting, our training days, mecca center, alaa’s laptop, photoshop, GMs, days in collage, the booth, the welcome, the flyers and banners, the poster I took from the college’s walls, the dropped lectures, the night chit chats, the life time friends I had, the new comers into my life, and the ones I strengthened my relation with though we’ve been there for some time..

As if, after all those months of work, we can finally lay down to sleep. We can finally have peace within. No need for the rush to get some signs from this or that. No need for waking up till very late doing an un-finished task. No need for fights and No need for broken hearts.

Saying “bye bye” to ACES 2006 .. with some tears covering joy, excitement and anxiety for the 3 coming days.
So hard to have someone dear going to leave, but much harder to see him leaving already …

Sometimes I re-think about my thought.. Sometimes I thank God, I have options to choose between still, although others got nothing to have.

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Thank U Bibo for the song :)

An Innocent man -- Billy Joel
Some people stay far away from the door
If there’s a chance of it opening up
They hear a voice in the hall outside
And hope that it just passes by
Some people live with the fear of a touch
And the anger of having been a fool
They will not listen to anyone
So nobody tells them a lie
I know you’re only protecting yourself
I know you’re thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you
But I’m not above
Making up for the love
You’ve been denying you could ever feel
I’m not above doing anything
To restore your faith if I can
Some people see through the eyes of the old
Before they ever get a look at the young
I’m only willing to hear you cry
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am

Some people say they will never believe
Another promise they hear in the dark
Because they only remember too well
They heard somebody tell them before
Some people sleep all alone every night
Instead of taking a lover to bed
Some people find that it’s easier to hate
Than to wait anymore
I know you don’t want to hear what I say
I know you’re gonna keep turning away
But I’ve been there and if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I’m not above going through it again
I’ve not above being cool for a while
If you’re cruel to me I’ll understand
Some people run from a possible fight
Some people figure they can never win
And although this is a fight I can lose
The accused is an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

You know you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you’d rather be a martyr tonight
That’s your decision
But I’m not below
Anybody I know
If there’s a chance of resurrecting a love
I’m not above going back to the start
To find out where the heartache began
Some people hope for a miracle cure
Some people just accept the world as it is
But I’m not willing to lay down and die
Because I am an innocent man
I am an innocent man
Oh yes I am
An innocent man

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Feeling extremely low..

After yesterday’s talk with Bibo, I felt how ugly and un-fair life might be. I needed a 5 minuets confrontation with myself to discover I am fooling myself intentionally, then runny away in the same sequence waiting for the same fairy tale!

I never learn, and guess I won’t!!

The dream looks so beautiful from far away.. and even more beautiful from inside.. feeling extremely happy, may be walking on clouds, and may be wandering in a place never existed yet… knowing that someone out there…. mm

but then you’ll have to wake up as soon as you log off, because simply it was only a vision of a fake wish you prayed for, from all of your heart to be true,, but sadly it wasn’t and it will not..

So you end up stuck between what you wish for and what you have! Torn between what you want and what you should do!

Do I make sense..? does anyone listen..? does anyone understand?.. I wish not..

For eventually I know I’ll leave this to welcome my very own self again between the very same empty corners of my empty room. Having the same deadly thoughts spinning in my head. Hurting my heart sometimes, and cracking my soul the other times.. yet, the clock won’t stop ticking.. and the circle would never end..

May we have peace sometime.. may we reach where we wish..

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Today's wisdom

Dedicated especially to some friends, I owe them alot :)

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Another lost msg...

When I’m there I feel like home. Feel like I’ve found the warmth I was seeking. I’ve found the love and passion I lack. I know I can fly out there to the 7^th sky. I can – I know I can- be the one thing I wish myself to be, whenever I am there..
I can hear me singing without songs
I can see my dancing without music
I can feel me happy, spreading a bright and shining look..

I like it knowing that we share the same place in the heart.. I like it knowing that some where out there we can be together for long without disturbance or poking noses.. away from eyes.. away from nagging thoughts.
Hiding from myself to you..
Only if I can .. I might leave everything and just spend the rest there, where I know we are together….
I might be dreaming, I might be hallucinating, but one thing I know.. one thing above all I can swear I am sure..
There, I’ve found a part of me lost time ago… and to different places went astray..

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I got it by email

Sonnet 43 - How do I love thee? Let me count the ways

XLIII

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I love thee to the depth and breadth and height

My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight

For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.

I love thee to the level of everyday's

Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.

I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;

I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.

I love thee with the passion put to use

In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.

I love thee with a love I seemed to lose

With my lost saints,—I love thee with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,

I shall but love thee better after death.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

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Talking loud..

Torching the embassies in Lebanon and Syria is a major stupid attitude from some Muslim extremists mostly youth; which I do not support by any means!!..
YES! The Prophet Mohamed would have never asked us to frighten citizens. Remember, in wars he used to ask his soldiers never to hurt a female or a child or an old man… He even asked his soldiers never to cut a tree. (And that was at times of war)… and even when his people used to hurt him tremendously, in addition to his companies, He (pbuh) never thought of a destructive attitude.. EVER!!

Some Muslims apologized for torching the embassies, and so I wondered for a while, should I or should I not apologize as well?. YES! What happened reflect a barbaric attitude, and forces the west to believe how ignorant, radical and uncivilized the Muslims are. YET! I can’t deny that my feeling -as a Muslim- was hurt and directly offended. Making fun of the Prophet leaves no excuses for the Denmark or any other country which published the same photos in an act of solidarity!
And so I decided, if Muslims were thought to be ignorant for their late attitude (with free speech I mean), then the west looks even more ignorant for their behavior (their behavior in the sense that: They didn’t search properly before presenting these cartoons.) They got modern technology, science, whatever.. and still accepted to work on their pre-drawn mind-images without investigating what is right and what is wrong. And so I thought, the west and the Islamic world are even now.. so no apologies from my side *sorry my friends if I let you down* .

Some would think that Muslims over reacted for a matter of free speech – as the news paper claims- but let me tell you something, at times of the prophet, his companies were ready to sacrifices their lives, their children, their wives.. they were ready to sacrifices whatever they’d cherish only for one thought “we have the duty for defending Prophet Muhamed”. And now it’s our turn and we- including me- should be doing something.
Therefore, if I was yesterday with boycotting 50%, today I am with it 200% and even more. Something should be done concerning this. What is sacred should be kept sacred. What is holy should be left holy. And let me ask this simple Question again: “what happens if a foreign newspaper thought of denying the holocaust?”
*I am leaving My Reader to answer.*
But that makes non sense, we are making a comparison between an incident that touches a group of people, and the Prophet of the 2nd largest religion almost in all Europe –if not the whole world-.

All what I concluded from the whole thing after all is that: there is yet another form of racial discrimination taking place, but this time for the Muslims!

Time to go..
May Allah’s peace and blessings be upon you..

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These cartoons don't defend free speech, they threaten it

Written by: Simon Jenkins
I think, therefore I am, said the philosopher. Fine. But I think, therefore I speak? No way.
Nobody has an absolute right to freedom. Civilisation is the story of humans sacrificing freedom so as to live together in harmony. We do not need Hobbes to tell us that absolute freedom is for newborn savages. All else is compromise.
Should a right-wing Danish newspaper have carried the derisive images of Muhammad? No. Should other newspapers have repeated them and the BBC teasingly “flashed” them to prove its free-speech virility? No. Should governments apologise for them or ban them from repeating the offence? No, but that is not the issue.
A newspaper is not a monastery, its mind blind to the world and deaf to reaction. Every inch of published print reflects the views of its writers and the judgment of its editors. Every day newspapers decide on the balance of boldness, offence, taste, discretion and recklessness. They must decide who is to be allowed a voice and who not. They are curbed by libel laws, common decency and their own sense of what is acceptable to readers. Speech is free only on a mountain top; all else is editing.
Despite Britons’ robust attitude to religion, no newspaper would let a cartoonist depict Jesus Christ dropping cluster bombs, or lampoon the Holocaust. Pictures of bodies are not carried if they are likely to be seen by family members. Privacy and dignity are respected, even if such restraint is usually unknown to readers. Over every page hovers a censor, even if he is graced with the title of editor.
To imply that some great issue of censorship is raised by the Danish cartoons is nonsense. They were offensive and inflammatory. The best policy would have been to apologise and shut up. For Danish journalists to demand “Europe-wide solidarity” in the cause of free speech and to deride those who are offended as “fundamentalists . . . who have a problem with the entire western world” comes close to racial provocation. We do not go about punching people in the face to test their commitment to non-violence. To be a European should not involve initiation by religious insult.
Many people seem surprised that a multicultural crunch should have come over religion rather than race. Most incoming migrants from the Muslim world are in search of work and security. They have accepted racial discrimination and cultural subordination as the price of admission. Most Europeans, however surreptitiously, regard that subordination as reasonable.
What Muslims did not expect was that admission also required them to tolerate the ridicule of their faith and guilt by association with its wildest and most violent followers in the Middle East. Islam is an ancient and dignified religion. Like Christianity its teaching can be variously interpreted and used for bloodthirsty ends, but in itself Islam has purity and simplicity. Part of that purity lies in its abstraction and part of that abstraction is an aversion to icons.
The Danes must have known that a depiction of Allah as human or the prophet Muhammad as a terrorist would outrage Muslims. It is plain dumb to claim such blasphemy as just a joke concordant with the western way of life. Better claim it as intentionally savage, since that was how it was bound to seem. To adapt Shakespeare, what to a Christian “is but a choleric word”, to a Muslim is flat blasphemy.
Of all the casualties of globalism, religious sensibility is the most hurtful. I once noticed in Baghdad airport an otherwise respectable Iraqi woman go completely hysterical when an American guard set his sniffer dog, an “unclean” animal, on her copy of the Koran. The soldier swore at her: “Oh for Christ’s sake, shut up!” She was baffled that he cited Christ in defence of what he had done.
Likewise, to an American or British soldier, forcibly entering the women’s quarters of an Arab house at night is normal peacekeeping. To an Arab it is abhorrent, way beyond any pale. Nor do Muslims understand the West’s excusing such actions, as does Tony Blair, by comparing them favourably with those of Saddam Hussein, as if Saddam were the benchmark of international behaviour.
It is clearly hard for westerners to comprehend the dismay these gestures cause Muslims. The question is not whether Muslims should or should not “grow up” or respect freedom of speech. It is whether we truly want to share a world in peace with those who have values and religious beliefs different from our own. The demand by foreign journalists that British newspapers compound their offence shows that moral arrogance is as alive in the editing rooms of northern Europe as in the streets of Falluja. That causing religious offence should be regarded a sign of western machismo is obscene.
The traditional balance between free speech and respect for the feelings of others is evidently becoming harder to sustain. The resulting turbulence can only feed the propaganda of the right to attack or expel immigrants and those of alien culture. And it can only feed the appetite of government to restrain free speech where it really matters, as in criticising itself.
There is little doubt that had the Home Office’s original version of its religious hatred bill been enacted, publishing the cartoons would in Britain have been illegal. There was no need to prove intent to cause religious hatred, only “recklessness”. Even as amended by parliament the bill might allow a prosecution to portray the cartoons as insulting and abusive and to dismiss the allowed defence that the intention was to attack ideas rather than people.
The same zest for broad-sweep censorship was shown in Charles Clarke’s last anti-terrorism bill. Its bid (again curbed by parliament) was to outlaw the “negligent”, even if unintended, glorification of terrorism. It wanted to outlaw those whose utterances might have celebrated or glorified a violent change of government, whether or not they meant to do so. Clarke proposed to list “under order” those historical figures he regarded as terrorists and those he decided were “freedom fighters”. The latter, he intimated, might include Irish ones. This was historical censorship of truly Stalinist ambition. By such men are we now ruled.
That a modern home secretary should seek such powers illustrates the danger to which a collapse of media self-restraint might lead. Last week there were demands from some (not all) Muslim leaders for governments to “apologise” for the cartoons and somehow forbid their dissemination. It was a demand that Jack Straw, the foreign secretary, commendably rejected. It assumed that governments had in some sense allowed the cartoons and were thus in a position to atone for them. Many governments might be happy to fall into this trap and seek to control deeds for which they may have to apologise. The glib assumption of blame where none exists feeds ministerial folie de grandeur, as with Blair’s ludicrous 1997 apology for the Irish potato famine.
In all matters of self-regulation the danger is clear. If important institutions, in this case the press, will not practise self-discipline then governments will practise it for them. Ascribing evil consequences to religious faith is a sure way of causing offence. Banning such offence is an equally sure way for a politician to curry favour with a minority and thus advance the authoritarian tendency. The present Home Office needs no such encouragement.
Offending an opponent has long been a feature of polemics, just as challenging the boundaries of taste has been a feature of art. It is rightly surrounded by legal and ethical palisades. These include the laws of libel and slander and concepts such as fair comment, right of reply and not stirring racial hatred. None of them is absolute. All rely on the exercise of judgment by those in positions of power. All rely on that bulwark of democracy, tolerance of the feelings of others. This was encapsulated by Lord Clark in his defining quality of civilisation: courtesy.
Too many politicians would rather not trust the self-restraint of others and would take the power of restraint onto themselves. Recent British legislation shows that a censor is waiting round every corner. This past week must have sent his hopes soaring because of the idiot antics of a few continental journalists.
The best defence of free speech can only be to curb its excess and respect its courtesy.

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Shop around the corner

Phew, I’ve just finished watching one of the most beautiful movies I’ve ever knew.. “U’ve got mail” can’t u smell the charm coming out of this 3 words phrase.. U’ve.. got.. mail.. aww!
I wondered a lot why do I consider it my ultimate favorite movie of all times. Sometimes I fully believe that I am “Kathleen Kelly” herself. I know you might think it’s a silly thought to believe, but I feel the connection between me and her all through different roads of life. Especially this phrase where she was reading a mail sent to “Joe Fox”:

“Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but circumscribed. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.”

How many times I asked myself that specific part and in that specific order?! Mm.. yeah, I do a lot.. Using the words “Dear void”, “dear friend”,,, all those are hers. Even having that taste of understanding people without a single word!.. I’m not in a state to brag about it, but really those who knows me in person understand the feeling senses I got; just like “Kathleen Kelly”..
If for any chance I got to live a movie, instantly I’ll choose to be her in that adorable movie, even if it went forever.. I won’t mind, I won’t mind at all. *especially it was our favorite movie, but alas, you no longer care :( , though you’re still the best my friend*

- You're crazy about him...
- Yes. I am.
- Then why don't you run off with him? What are you waiting for?
- I don't actually know him.
- Really?
- We only know each other - oh, God, you're not going to believe this...
- Let me guess. From the Internet.
- Yes.
- You've got mail.
- Yes.
- Three very powerful words.
- Yes.

Today I was off to another meeting in collage; well it wasn’t very beautiful in fact. I mean I didn’t enjoy it to the fullest, though our team was awarded for the best team work this month. Mm.. I guess we deserve such a thing though it’s not that important, we already love each other this way or another. May be we’ve been out of getting in touch lately *life always ruins the purest of all pure moments* but somehow I don’t mind. I’ll still love our moments together, and cherish them deep in my heart :)
Ah, but the best thing that really happened then, was the book. Oops! Hadn’t I tell you I was waiting for a book, let me check the previous post..
….
Yeah! I did mention that. I asked a friend to buy it for me, actually Sheryos was. And to my surprise he got it right the 2nd day.. WOHOOW! I actually started reading it already *quite enthusiastic, U bet ;) * but apparently the writer uses a difficult language style I am not used to, so I guess going to take some more time until I’ll get used to it. :) .. but just to remember the note: “I thank U ya sheryos for that, u’ve added one more beautiful gesture to my day”
But the comment I’ll never forget in my entire life is from our AC head, he just told me: “u talk to people as if they are a sound source, nothing more or less. U focus as if you’re listening to radio.” .. Excellent remark I didn’t pay attention to though it’s really MY-VERY-OWN-SELF!!!

- When you read a book as a child, it becomes a part of your identity in a way that no other reading in your whole life does.

Then after the meeting I waited for the bus on the bus stop with my lovely friend, Bavalova. We’ve waited and waited and waited.. nearly all the people left while we were standing in the exact place when suddenly an idea jumped in both of our minds at once *Lets party*. It wasn’t parting in the exact literal meaning, but rather lets have some fun. So I called my mother: “mum we’ll go for a walk right now down town, and we’ll have lunch as well, don’t worry.. ok thanks mum.. byee”
Then TADA, we took the 1st bus and zooooot off down town. We’ve wondered here and there. We ate in the street “Shawrma” then ice cream *surely my favorite flavor was 1st choice :P*. after ice-creaming in that cold weather with loud and wild giggles all through the way we went up stairs in a mall shopping. Actually wasn’t shopping, but rather wondering between cloths shelves :D .. nearly we’ve made fun on each and every single piece we’ve met. YAY! Jumping to my feet now, it was no doubt not-less than LOVELY time together..

-What about you, is there someone else?
-No. No, but, but there's the dream of someone else.

As I returned back home I dashed for a nap about an hour and a half. Dead tired, exhausted, sleep.. blah blah.. When I wake up, “U’ve got mail” was already waiting for me. Made my hot cup of green tea with jasmine, sat on living room’s couch , holding a pillow with lots of handkerchiefs waiting… *sigh* just when the show just begun :)

-You know, sometimes I wonder...
- What?
- Well... if i hadn't been "Fox Books" and you hadn't been "The Shop Around the Corner," and you and I had just met...
- I know.
- Yeah, yeah. I would've asked for your number. And I wouldn't have been able to wait 24 hours before calling you up and saying, Hey, how about... oh, how about some coffee, or drinks, or dinner, or a movie... for as long as we both shall live?

Couple of minutes later I found a friend calling me, we’ve already fixed a date for another going out.. How splendid you’re life goes when you take it to the wildest!
Ah! After I hung up I went to clean the kitchen humming and singing “somewhere over the rainbow” however, looks I made some noise that wake my mother up. She approached and we started some talks and gossips ;) then we sung a song together in the middle of the night. How can I describe the feeling! Just do you have a word in the dictionary that would clearly describe the feeling of flying way up high.
I love You mum..
Hadn’t I told you I believe I am “Kathleen Kelly”.. and I now believe that ever more, though entirely different versions but.. for the same copy..

-Don't cry, Shopgirl. Don't cry.
- I wanted it to be you. I wanted it to be you so badly.

Good night Cairo, it was splendid living today

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