After Midnight's Talk..
4/01/2007
It was dark by the time I started the walk. I looked up to the skies.. the moon was up there, looking upon me too. Kept on looking, till it was covered by aimless clouds..Today, I went to a photographer with Bava. You know, supposedly we are into the process of “year books” and “goodbyes” in college. Everyone is getting ready for the leave. T-shirt designs, comments on colleges, TA’s and lecturers. Its all but matter of days no matter how long..
I hate goodbyes, I always do.. always make me feel as if it’s the end of world jumped up too soon. Goodbye places, goodbye people, goodbye memories… memories good and bad forever will leave me heart broken.. sweet memories leaving, bitter ones living.. and others missed..
I was talking to myself while walking. And for no reason didn’t care for people gazing at the weird girl talking alone in English. Wasn’t in a mental state to think what is proper and what is not. It wasn’t another heavy-air night, but a heavy hearted though. And for a second I thought.. no.. I wished to talk and talk and talk and talk.. empty an ocean of words with ears listening, and open heart understanding.. feeling comfy in a way I never knew before.. but there… was the beeb of a car, and a bus stop..
As I went down from the bus, the moon was already gone. Wasn’t really gone, but was somewhere behind me that I couldn’t follow anymore. So, I looked down at the street bricks and bends, observing my shadow disappearing and appearing, then appearing and disappearing..
We really live in a world of shadows. And the one shadow I wished to see, the constant and perpetual moon shadow, was over taken by artificial street lambs, as if.. we really like living artificial lives in the dark.. masks covering faces, decorations in talking, beating around the bushes, going back and forth in thoughts without a direct link of confessions. Sometimes, I feel the world is too evil to live in.. no.. not evil.. but wicked enough to hate..
The phone ringed, and it was my father speaking from the hospital checking on us. Would I tell you a secret you might not know? I felt pity for my father being there. Not as a human, but this time as my "Papa". Quite disappointing or a little of confusing to you I guess, but ya, let me confess it now, I never felt me in strong connection with him ever since he started to show the other dominating face. I don’t blame him for much now.. I could have taken time to change the core of his attitude of dry emotions I feel inside, but… naa.. no buts… I didn’t have the guts to challenge me to change, when running away was usually my 1st solution…
But today I missed his voice the soonest he left the house in the morning, I would've never believed myself if I said something as such before; except today, after knowing that he’ll most probably have “open heart” operation soon. For another second I thought, what if he’s there no more.. will I ever…??
And I couldn’t complete the words.. it was raining on me…
Today was ACES closing by the way. And of all times of the 3 times I missed, this one was the one I really wished to attend. Lol. I can remember the day before the moderator’s selection, my heart was dead sure I will pass isA. However, I forgot the everything and spent the whole night acting as if I am at the closing ceremony, standing on stage, delivering my final message.. My wildest dreams… hmm… let me tell... to affect people, touch their souls, help them be the one they want to.. leaving my.. my thoughts, my words, my acts and deeds engraved inside them forever.. but forever never shows a kind face to me...
Tell me something.. which one is better, to enjoy something for sometime before its taken from you, or never to know about it in the 1st place?
You know, sometimes, I miss pronouncing the word “Teta”. I’ve never seen one grandparent of mine or even a single aunt, they were all gone before seeing their faces, even the single grandpa I knew, we met for the 1st 3 and a half years in my life before he was gone as well. I can still remember his harsh beard touching my chicks, and vague visions of a bed in my uncle’s flat, a “3okaz” he used to walk with and angelic face I can trace only in pictures..
What if I had anyone of these loved ones now? Will I ever feel the pampering I hear about from friends? I’d go and give my grandpa a warm hug, probably talk with him as frankly as I ever wish to? Or will I cry in my grandma’s lap while she’s playing in my hair, hush me to bed when I am trembling inside, like now?
Do hearing about un-lived stories better, or living un-finished open ended ones?!
And the road came to an end..
When the rain stopped, I caught me humming the line “wa tomo7i an amshy sa3aten ma3ak, ta7ta el matar” nearly all the way.. though it wasn’t really raining, but at least few refreshing drops..
As I was entering my building block, I looked up to the skies again.. the moon was clearer then.. I sent a dear goodbye.. and that was it..
This post's song: Killing me softly - Roberta Flack 
